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My Story and Writing This Collection

I married my wonderful, creative, and intelligent husband in 1977. He sensed me drifting away soon after the honeymoon. What had gone wrong? We were two educated Christians. Why did we have so many problems?

My father died in the late 70's. In the mid-80's, before my mother got cancer, I went to counseling to get help for our marriage. In those months before she died, I healed enough so that I could understand her better. I began to feel more compassion for her suffering from depression. The night she died I woke up to music being sung in my head. I heard In His time, in His time. He makes all things beautiful in His time... (In His Time, by Diane Ball). Through this song the Lord assured me that although my mom struggled deeply in this life, He had made her beautiful in heaven. She was at peace with her joy completed. What a blessing after seeing her in emotional confusion for so many years!

In the 90's, when my sons were small, the Lord started me on a healing journey in answer to numerous prayers. Why did I get sick so easily, especially when I went through even a little stress? Why did headaches put me to bed? Why did I have so many other health problems? At someone's suggestion, I asked the Lord to show me if I had any emotional pain in my past that contributed to my poor health. I couldn't remember anything very bad that had happened but I invited the Lord to reveal the truth to me. The Lord opened the floodgates! Pain came pouring out. For many years I rolled through buried traumatic memories with the help of several special counselors, pastors, and prayer ministers as well as dear friends who have prayed for me.

My husband has walked alongside me through these difficult years with a lot of patience and prayer as well, though he was shocked when the memories came. This wasn't the woman he thought he had married! The memories shook me to the core as well. I had thought I was one person with one kind of life and now I came to grips with my devastating past. We only got through this time with the Lord's help as well as the wonderful prayer support and love from dear friends and godly counselors.

During the first few years of this journey, songs poured out of me expressing deep pain and how the Lord was comforting me. Often I would fall in bed exhausted at night only to hear the words and music of a new song in my head. I couldn't sleep until I went to the piano to write them down!

I believed the original songs were prompted by the Holy Spirit but I still needed to craft the lyrics. So after I worked on the lyrics, I took most new songs to my wonderful writer's group. These lovely women helped me further refine the lyrics. Then I took the collection to several people I knew—a couple of therapists, a college English teacher, and a dean of a seminary—to have them reviewed. Each person gave invaluable insights and suggestions. This process took about four years. Since then, I've written a few other songs, some of which I've added to the originals.

During this process, I realized I needed more music training. Although I had played the piano, cello, and later the guitar while growing up, I had not had much music theory. Two years at an excellent junior college opened up my horizons and broadened my musical perspectives.

After making a demo in the mid-90's and sensing it was not the time to record the whole collection further, I set it aside. Since then I have gone through some intense healing. I'm still in process, but not triggering as much. I used to burst into tears in public places, grow very anxious or fall apart for no apparent reason. I sobbed in church almost every Sunday. The gentle Lord Jesus started restoring and putting me back together, little by little. As I faced the truth about those who betrayed and wounded me, I let out a lot of grief, rage and hatred. I struggled with my desire for revenge. Eventually, I learned to forgive others as well as myself.

As I healed from incest and other abuse, I came to trust the heavenly Father. He who once felt so distant is now much closer and dearer to me. I have also grown more in awe of the glorious Lord Jesus who left His glory, power, and honor in heaven to be born into our often scrappy and evil world. Yet He consistently ministered with patience and kindness in the midst of it. He even forgave His enemies while tortured and in agony on the cross. Over the years, I have been drawn closer and closer to the Lord of love.

When it was the Lord's time to record the whole collection, I wanted to make it soft and uncluttered. During times of depression and headaches I didn't want something blasting me. I couldn't handle more anxiety or noise. When I listened to music, I needed songs that brought comfort and quiet, soothing my shattered soul.

I asked an old friend, Joe Howard, to play the piano arrangements. He was a safe friend and an excellent musician. I felt that he could help me bring hurting people beauty and loveliness while healing from pain. I was delighted with his wonderful and creative arrangements!

The true Lord Jesus, the gentle Shepherd who has been healing my heart, can heal yours as well. As you listen to this music, I hope you will sense His wonderful compassion for you in your pain. May you draw closer to Him as you hand him your struggles and open your heart to His healing love.

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